My Advance Directive
Hi Family and Robert,
I wanted to take the time to write this letter.
As you all know, I have a diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder. As well as ADHD Inattentive Type. And, if I am not mistaken, Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
I have a history of substance abuse (primarily marijuana but also alcohol).
I also have a history of suicide attempts and suicidal ideation.
And a long history of things I wish I never did.
Over the past couple years, you guys have been helping me in my journey to get off of the medication (Clozapine, which in turn caused me to take a heart medication and metformin to treat the pre-diabetes). Without your support this would likely never have happened. The withdrawal of this medication is no laughing matter. I am down to 68.75 mg from 250 mg. It will likely take more time to completely get off of it.
As you also all know – I now consider myself to be a Christian. Saved by the grace of God alone – completely unmerited – especially after all I have done.
This doesn’t mean I don’t make mistakes – I do every day unfortunately. But I am battling my sinful nature and trying to do less of a disservice to God and to the church (the believers in Christ).
But it is important to note that I no longer believe in suicide as an option. Nor do I now believe it is appropriate to commit violence.
The topic of Power of Attorney (PoA) and Substitute Decision Maker (SDM) has recently come up.
I am not going to assign a PoA. But, after my recent appointment with Doctor Baines (Robert was there with me) – where doctor Baines told me I was presently considered mentally capable - I have thought about the idea of my wishes (also known as an advance directive) should I ever be ruled incapable again according to the Mental Health Care Act.
I am not going to make a lengthy list of things that I wish are adhered to.
Only one thing.
And I will provide my reasoning.
I never, ever, wish to be put on any psychotropic medication (including anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, etc.) ever again. Under any circumstance.
As a human being:
The psychotropics damaged my physical health. They caused me to gain over 200 pounds. This caused me to develop heart problems and pre-diabetes. I was told that I was at risk for stroke and heart failure. I had to resist more prescriptions than this – which could have resulted in severe polypharmacy.
The psychotropics damaged my cognition. This interfered with my ability to think and do things.
The psychotropics sedated me. This caused me to sleep most of the day away and severely limited my ability to do things.
The psychotropics damaged my ability to feel. This scares me the most. God willing this is not irreversible – and I am experiencing more emotion again presently.
As a Christian:
The scariest piece for me is the dampening of my ability to feel love.
There are so many quotes in the bible stressing the importance of feeling love for one another.
If you don’t believe me, just do a quick search.
I am not saved by my capabilities. Most days I am reminded of my failings.
I am saved by what Christ Jesus did for me at Calvary. Period. And I know it is unmerited.
All this being said.
This is my only wish I care to state while I am mentally capable.
I never wish to be put on psychotropics ever again.
Yours,
Steven